Mix the Cake with Whoops of Jolly!

Mix the Cake with Whoops of Jolly!

Fa La La La La and more La La La La La’s!

 

By

Gyan C. A. Fernando

With illustrations by N Senthilkumaran

Sri Lankans are well known to have a sweet tooth, or rather whole sets of sweet teeth, and so it didn’t come as too much of a surprise to me to be offered all sorts of sweets on my return to the Old Republic.

Having lived too long elsewhere in the world I had lost my sweet tooth. The array of biscuits, puddings and cakes that confronted me, followed by the cups of tea with three sugars in them, set my teeth on edge!

What really intrigued me was that, although we were nowhere near Christmas, it was still May; there was plenty of Marzipan cemented Christmas cake floating about.

My three sisters are well-known experts on the subject of Xmas cake and even my loud-mouthed but lovely niece Samanmalee (“Sam”, 30+), whose culinary skills in the Rice ‘n’ Curry department are below par, can beat up some awfully sickly sweet Christmas cakes, the sort that gives you tooth decay at a range of fifty metres!

What chuffs me is that the majority of Sri Lankans are not Christians but Christmas cake does bring us all together. Isn’t that heart-warming? What harmony! Everybody gets together for the sake of Christmas! For the sake of Christmas cake!

No doubt Dentists love this state of affairs.

If we had Wings instead of Boarding Passes….

If we had Wings instead of Boarding Passes….

They will try anything on you at airports

By

Gyan C A Fernando

Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran

Yes they would! They are in control and most passengers are not. That is the basic problem.

In the good old early days of flying and of B.O.A.C Comet 4s, very few people could afford to fly. Only the ultra-rich could afford it. But these days even the hoi polloi get boarding passes and that is the next problem.

Acalculia y yo

Acalculia y yo

Nunca fui una especie de cálculo de persona

Por

Gyan CA Fernando

Con ilustraciones de N.Senthilkumaran

Acalculia y yo

Algunos de ustedes por ahí, recién se levantó en un domingo por la mañana y que acaba miró, pero en realidad no comprendía el título de este artículo, probablemente están pensando que Acalculia es una joven de Europa del Este, de falda corta, tipo discoteca tarta que una vez utilizado para asociarse.

Otros, muy versado en la literatura griega clásica en sus años de formación y que sólo han tenido la ventaja de una vigorizante taza de la mañana de té podría estar pensando, con la complacencia presumida, que Acalculia debe ser uno de esos tipos Siren desagradables niñas de la mitología griega . Bueno, ya sabes Medusa y otros no?

¿Puede todo ahora levántate y ponte en la esquina de la clase!

Está todo mal! No es ni!

Para la mayoría de la gente es bastante fácil de peasy para saber que el logaritmo de cualquier cosa que sea algo-o-el-otro, justo al lado de la parte superior de sus cabezas. Para mí, la compleja fórmula matemática de dos más dos es bastante fácil, pero todo lo demás es un desafío.

My failed quest for immortality

My Failed Quest for Immortality

 

by

Gyan C. A. Fernando
Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran

 

I suppose I was young and full of dreams at that time, not that much has changed in the dreams department since, but I am no longer young.

One of my ambitions in my early days in Medical School was to have an organ or a disease named after me, you know the sort of eponymous diseases and organs like the Hand-Schuller-Christian thingy and the Bartholin’s gland.

The Train Halt with No Name

The Train Halt with No Name

A Most Curiously Named Railway Halt in Sri Lanka 

or 

Train Halt No 1

 

by

Gyan C A Fernando

Cartoon by N. Senthilkumaran

Many crowded trains pass through this station daily on the busy Coast Line of Sri Lanka to and from the capital, Colombo. Of the thousands of passengers who pass this rail halt not many know how it got its curious name.

Not many trains stop here anyway.

MORE

Behold! The Comics Page!

Behold! The Comics Page!

By

Gyan C. A. Fernando.

With illustrations by N Senthilkumaran

This Sunday morning, as usual, I got up at the crack of dawn at 1030 hrs. and after the usual refreshing cup of tea I went straight into the Plus section of The Sunday Times and shock horror there were no cartoons!

Did that register with you? No?

I said that there were no cartoons! There were no cartoons at all! This was very definitely the start of a bad, bad day.

The Sportsman in me and other Beasts

The Sportsman in me and other Beasts

By

Gyan C A Fernando

Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran

“Success is not really important. Everyone loves success. Everyone wants to do things well. But we all know that people are really good at doing things badly. Failure is the thing that we are best at. This is the difference between people and animals and we must not think that failure is bad.”

Stephen Pile, the author of “The Book of Heroic Failures”

I was never good at sports or I was good at it. It is a matter of opinion.

 I achieved my first major and historical victory in the field of sports; a long, long time ago in August 1959, when I come last in the Sack Race at the Sports Meet day at my old school, cheered by all! 

Your Presents Will Be Appreciated!

Your Presents Will Be Appreciated!

By

Gyan C. A. Fernando

Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran

There is many a slip….

There is no doubt that life in Sri Lanka revolves around Births, Weddings and Funerals. The main box office puller out of the three however, is weddings.

I think I have already expressed my cynical views about weddings, elsewhere, but I think I did forget to tell you about wedding invitations, or “invites” to use the Sri Lankan colloquial, which of course is the misuse of a verb as a noun.

What with so many nephews and nieces of marriageable age lurking around, I am now an expert on how to draft wedding invitations. My favourite niece Samanmalee (“Sam” 35+, loud-mouthed, still single) has provided us enough entertainment over the years by getting engaged many more times than I can care to remember!

If there is an impending wedding in our extended families, there always are, and invitations are to be drafted or proofread, my services are generally called for. That is as long as I solemnly promise not to introduce craziness into the invitations, ‘till death do us part. (there is more!)

I Can’t Hear Myself saying Hiss to a Cat now!

I Can’t Hear Myself saying Hiss to a Cat now!

By

Gyan C A Fernando

Illustrated by N Senthilkumaran

In my very, very young and idiotic days I would creep up behind sleeping cats for the express purpose of saying “hiss” and scaring them out of their fur. It never worked. Normally, they would hear me at 50yards range and would walk away calmly with their supercilious attitude intact and with their tails still at full mast.  

Cats always had a head start on us kids.

My three younger sisters would remember my activities in this particular field of scientific research.

Sri Lanka was very quiet sound-wise then. One could hear birds singing and even hear Geckos making their disapproving “chack chack” noises. You could even hear a coconut deciding not to fall off a tree!

Having returned to the good Old Republic after a lapse of what seemed to be a too long a time, (opinions do differ on this in our household), I was delighted to find out that this activity, that of scaring cats, is now possible and with good dividends! 

Think Plastic or Swim

Think Plastic or Swim

 My Efforts to Counter Global Warming

By

 Gyan C A Fernando

With illustrations by N. Senthilkumaran

Drastic events need drastic action! That is what I always say when I’ve had a beer, or two. They have been sinking for years, not the beers; and no one has done anything for them except generate a lot of hot air in Geneva and in New York.

Unlike them, I am a Man of Action, a sort of a Superman or a Minor Deity!  You know what I mean, don’t you?  No?

Why Boys Love Trains and Girls Love Dolls

 

Why Boys Love Trains and Girls Love Dolls

Pseudo Scientific Research of the Zany Kind!

This article appeared in the Lanka Railway Digest (August 2012 issue)

Read it here:  LINK
 

Acalculia and I

 

Acalculia and I

I was never a calculating sort of person

By

Gyan C A Fernando

With illustrations by N.Senthilkumaran

Acalculia and I

Some of you out there, having just got up on a Sunday morning and having just glanced at but not really comprehended the main title of this article, are probably thinking that Acalculia is a young Eastern European, short-skirted, disco type tart that I once used to associate with.

Others, well-versed in Classic Greek Literature in their formative years and who have just had the advantage of an invigorating early morning cup of tea might be thinking, with smug complacency, that Acalculia must be one of those nasty Siren type girls from Greek Mythology. Well you know Medusa et al don’t you?

Can you all now get up and stand in the corner of the class!

You are all wrong! It is neither!

For most people it is quite easy-peasy to work out that the logarithm of whatever is something-or-the-other, just off the tops of their heads. For me, the complex mathematical formula of two plus two is quite easy, but anything else is a challenge.

STSpectator

STSPECTATOR

A Blog about books and reading by a Sri Lankan: http://stspectator.wordpress.com/author/stspectator/

Go Easy on the Confetti, Please!

Go Easy on the Confetti, Please!

By

Gyan C A Fernando

Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran

Life sometimes brings up pleasant little surprises!

Take this morning, for instance: I discovered that I could get married for just Rs30! Not that I want get married again, but isn’t that a pleasant little surprise?

Stamps and Philately

The Sticky World of Stamps and Philately

By

Gyan C A Fernando

Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran

The other day I was extolling the virtues of stamp collecting, in particular the aesthetics, the tranquil and genteel aspects of this hobby etc. for the benefit of a very young and impressionable son of a friend of mine, when my grown up niece Samanmalie, aka “Sam”, butted in. 

The Incas and QR Codes

 

The Incas and QR Codes

QR Code

Inca boss, Viracocha

Remember that we told you about this first!

There is now definite proof that the Incas invented QR codes. 

The Incas never had a conventional written language which led many Archaeologist types to conclude that the Incas were thick. 

My own research, that of re-reading Herge's Tintin books again and again, show that Viracocha, an Inca God-type, created QR codes after himself! (There is more)

Want to buy some fake sapphires?

Pssst! Want to buy some fake Sapphires…?

 By

Gyan C A Fernando

Illustrated by N Senthilkumaran

T

he good old Republic of Sri Lanka is famous for some of the nicest precious stones in the world and as one might expect, most Sri Lankans seem to be obsessed with buying, selling, acquiring or mining; legally or illegally, mostly the latter.

"El Bandido", my Paraguayan business partner

Most refer to precious stones as Gems but quite often as Gem’s (sic), with a total disregard for the correct usage of the apostrophe.

Gem’s..er…I mean Gems… are rather nice, but they tend to bring out the baser instincts of Srilankan-kind.

Galloping Inflation

Galloping Inflation, Running Bears and a lot of Bull

How a Family Game of Monopoly turned into Economic Chaos

By

Gyan C A Fernando

Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran

Any family card game or board game that we undertake in our household has a tendency to descend into chaos. Most blame me of course and accuse me of cheating, which I don’t, but I do admit that I have a tendency to bend the rules. 

Match me against my niece Samanmalee, aka Sam (pretty, 35+), and things become totally mired. For a start, Sam has a broadband brain combined with a 100 gigahertz clock speed, plus a loud mouth. She can also turn her charm on and off rapidly to suit the circumstances.

The other day, we were all at a loose end and decided to play a game of Monopoly to pass the time.

Sri Wickrema Rajasinghe

 

The Lion King

Part 1

By 

Walt Disneynayake

It was the year 18hundred something and King Rajadi Rajasinghe got Malaria and asked for Chloroquine.

Chloroquine had not yet been discovered so they gave him Koththamalli instead.

(Even if Chloroquine had been invented the idiots in the Health Department would have had a shortage of it! The Director of Health Services and his yes men could not tell the difference between their chloroquine, arses and their elbows!)

The King died. His last words were "AaaaaaH!"

He was childless. He had at least three wives and there was considerable speculation as to what he was doing with them…or rather what he was not! By the time he got Malaria it was too late to procreate.

Tintin in Sri Lanka

TINTIN: An adventure like no other

By

Gyan C. A. Fernando

Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran (with apologies to Herge’)

The other day I went to see the Tintin movie at the Liberty Cinema in the company of my young nephew and his lovely fiancée. I wanted to see it on the big screen but was rather reluctant to go on my own, so the young couple took pity on the old Uncle and off we went. Mind you, I did pay for the tickets!