If we had Wings
instead of Boarding Passes….
They will try anything on you at airports
Gyan
C A Fernando
Illustrated by N. Senthilkumaran
Yes
they would! They are in control and most passengers are not. That is the basic
problem.
In
the good old early days of flying and of B.O.A.C Comet 4s, very few people
could afford to fly. Only the ultra-rich could afford it. But these days even
the hoi polloi get boarding passes and that is the next problem.
There has been a massive increase in the
number of “unwashed masses” that pass through airports and this has led the airport
staff adopting a superior attitude, and attempting to browbeat passengers into
submission.
This
is where international frequent flyers like me come into action!
They can try it on me but they won’t beat me
to submission! I have accumulated more miles than most pilots…er….the pilots of
Nigerian Airlines, for instance which/who doesn’t/don’t fly anymore.
So,
I am not the submissive type when it comes to airports or anything else for that
matter.
Security
Doratupala
The
other day I passed through our own Bandaranaike Katunayake Airport (CMB), which
generally happens to be a good airport but the first obstacle was waiting for
me. As expected it was at the entrance, in the form of a security guard, or a
“Doratupala” as I call them.
This
is not an insult. In the times of the Ancient Sri Lankan Kings, security men
were called Doratupala or “Guardian of the Door”.
I
was ready for him as well. My tongue was loaded with verbal magnums. As I
walked in purposefully, he drew himself up to his full height but considering
that he was shorter than I am, it was a futile attempt on his part. I had a 38cm
advantage in the height department against him. Nevertheless, he went into his
obnoxious routine.
I
noted that he was not armed. I do not take on little boys with guns. Dangerous
combination!
Scene: As
aforementioned.
“Your ticket?” he asks brusquely, and without a “please”
attached.
I reply “I have no ticket!”, equally brusquely.
“You have no ticket sir?”
“No, I-am-on-an-electronic-ticket!” I say in measured
tones.
“Can I see it Sir?”
(Note that he is now addressing me as “Sir”)
“No, you can’t see it because I haven’t got it! It should
be on your computer anyway!” say I.
“OK OK Sir, …..er…..you can go in” says Doratupala with a
submissive Sri Lankan style rotation of his head.
Notice
how I won that round? Do keep your wits about you!
The
idea of an Electronic Ticket is that you don’t have to carry little bits of
paper on you.
Boarding
Farce
The
next obstacle in my way was the Check In.
I
always choose a check-in girl as opposed to a man, in the belief that my charm
will work on females. The female members of my extended family, notably Samanmalee
(aka Sam) my niece, have a different opinion about my charm, or rather the lack
thereof!
“Good
evening Sir! Where are you flying to today?” asks the charming Sri Lankan
Airlines girl in the peacock design sari and matching eye shadow of peacock
blue.
“To
BKK” say I, displaying my knowledge of airport three letter codes and thereby
displaying my familiarity with flying. I also add: “Nice eye shadow you are
wearing! Is it company issue?”
She
blushes prettily and giggles but declines to answer!
George
Clooney incognito?
There
is a delay. She fiddles with her keyboard, calls a female supervisor. They both
look at me, my passport, then the computer screen and back at me. Both go red
in the face. Maybe they think that I am George Clooney with a heavy sun tan.
Nice thought! Or maybe even Sean Connery!
This goes on for a while. I yawn. Yawning in
the presence of officialdom is a good tactic.
Eventually
she asks “Sir? Did you check in on line?”
“Yes,
I did darling!” I say patronisingly. They nod at each other in an understanding
fashion. There is more fiddling with computers and more supervisors manifest
themselves. I yawn again. Then suddenly the machine comes to life and clatters
out my boarding pass.
I
nod patronisingly, thank them and blow a kiss at the lovely check-in girl!
End
of Round Two and I am ahead on points.
Border
Control
It
is now time to confront the Immigration Authorities. All on duty tonight are
men. There are no females, charming or otherwise. This is a bit of a drawback
for me but I stride in purposefully and with a slight but polite nod of my head
and having removed my cowboy hat, place both my passports on the desk with a
flourish.
Yes,
I do have two passports. I am therefore at an advantage. The Man with Two
Passports! The Man with Two Guns?
Needlessly to say, that I cleared immigration
very quickly. I was leaving the country. They should be glad about that!
Sabai
Dee!
Moving
quickly to Bangkok (BKK) airport, where I got to eventually, my first obstacle
is a uniformed Thai girl in a short blue-grey skirt who is checking the
boarding passes, or rather the boarding pass stubs, of disembarking passengers!
I
repeat: She is checking the boarding passes of disembarking passengers! This I
have not come across before!
Now,
I happen to be one of those obsessive people who keep all boarding pass stubs
in my scrapbook and I do have the recent one on me, but I am determined not to
be browbeaten.
“Sabai
Dee! Can I see your boarding pass, Sir?” she asks officially, but rather
sweetly.
(I
now struggle with the overwhelming desire to fall for the feminine charms of a
short skirted, pretty, Thai ground hostess at 0600hrs local time. It needs a
lot of self-control.)
“No
you cannot because I am not boarding! As you can see I am actually disembarking!”
I say with an air of authority.
Mr
Bean
“Embark,
Disembark, Embark, Disembark, Embark, Disembark, Bark!
Bark! Bark!” I bark out in Mr Bean fashion just to bring a little bit of humour
into what could now turn out to be a nasty international diplomatic row. At an
ungodly hour and in a foreign airport at that!
“You
have no boarding pass Sir?” she asks, barely suppressing her giggles.
“That’s
right Darling! I am disembarking! Bark! Bark! I am not embarking. Bark! Bark! So
I don’t need a boarding pass to disembark! Bark! Bark!” I say this whilst doing
a little ballet routine.
“Just
a minute Sir” she says holding her lovely stocking-ed legs tightly together and
suppressing giggles. She has now been suppressing her giggles for 45 seconds at
least. That’s not good on the ..er..um feminine bladder.
I
yawn. It is early morning anyway and I am entitled to yawn.
She
consults a long list, probably the passenger list but could be her personal
shopping list, and says “OK Sir!” and waves me on!
I
turn around for one last look. I see her rushing to the toilet.
The
Last Hurdle
There
we are!
All
this demands for passports and boarding passes are total bull****! It is just a
way of harassing passengers because of their, airport staff’s, inferiority
complexes! Don’t ever fall for it!
You
then walk confidently and cheerfully out of the airport into the bright
sunshine and shifty looking airport Taxi drivers swarm around you.
Airport
taxi drivers anywhere in the world are uncouth and vulgar. They are rogues and
psychopaths all rolled into one. They are the scum of airport society.
You
suddenly realise then that your day has only just begun to go wrong!
First published in the Sunday Times of Sri Lanka
Copyright Gyan C A Fernando 2013
Copyright Gyan C A Fernando 2013
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