Think Plastic or Swim
My Efforts to Counter Global Warming
By
Gyan
C A Fernando
With
illustrations by N. Senthilkumaran
Drastic
events need drastic action! That is what I always say when I’ve had a beer, or
two. They have been sinking for years, not the beers; and no one has done
anything for them except generate a lot of hot air in Geneva and in New York.
Unlike
them, I am a Man of Action, a sort of a Superman or a Minor Deity! You know what I mean, don’t you? No?
I
should have explained!
Well,
what has been happening, in case it had escaped your notice, is that there has
been a thing called Global Warming. This has gradually increased sea levels to
an alarming extent, all of 4.52cms in the last 100 years, and small islands
like the Maldives (Location: Indian Ocean, left, over and under Equator) and
Kiribati (Location: Pacific, sort of middle, next to Date Line) are about to
sink into their respective Oceans.
The
islanders of Kiribati, a stoical lot of coconut-eaters, have taken it calmly
and with considerable sangfroid.
That
Sinking Feeling
According
to calculations by eminent Scientists, they, the Kiribatians, are due to be
engulfed by the waves on the 28th of October, 2064 at 1832 hrs GMT.
(The Kiribatians on islands on either side of the International Date Line will
be engulfed on the day before or the day after depending on which side they are
standing on.)
Given
the short notice, and in spite of being rather corpulent, their President Anote
Tong M’nakua Alohakai, rushed, or rather waddled into action like a sea turtle.
He bought some land in Fiji to re-settle his sinking masses.
Not
so with our neighbours, the Maldivians.
Admittedly,
my friend Mohamed “Nash” Nasheed, the President of Maldives until he was ousted
recently, did make vague noises about buying land in Sri Lanka, India or
Australia; but Abdul “Bul Bul” Gayoom, who came back into power by ousting
Nash, has not done anything at all about it!
Bul
Bul is a nice chap on a personal level but I do not think that he has got the “What-do-you-call-it”
or the “What’s-its-name” to do anything about it. You know the sort of verve,
Man of Action type thing.
This
is where I come in.
My
plan is simple but innovative in its concept, and radically goes against the
established thinking; that of re-settling the Islanders.
Resettlement is abhorrent and a rather outdated,
inhuman and racist Colonial way of thinking. It lacks the “Dignity to Humans”
thing. One needs to have a broad, dignified and holy outlook in situations like
this.
Instead
of the resettlement plan, I propose my radical Plan B: Create new,
non-sinkable, re-cycled and sustainable islands! Quite simple.
I am
sure that you are familiar with the Uros “Indians” of Peru and Bolivia. They
still live on man-made islands made of reeds, on Lake Titicaca.
BTW
Lake Titi is definitely not an amusement park-type lake. It is at high altitude,
quite deep and there are hazards like high waves, strong currents and the
Bolivian Navy. The reed islands are rugged and although described as “man-made”
it is the women-folk who do most of the work, but that is by the way.
That
is ancient stuff, I hear you say. You are wrong. They still live there! That is
exactly what I just said!
Sands
of Time
Then
there is Nakheel, a household name in Dubai. Again, I am sure you know them
well and have bought a property or two off them.
They
specialise in making Man-made islands in the sea off Dubai. They are not just
any old type of islands, but islands in the shape of a palm tree, in the shape
of the map of the world, one in the shape of Mickey Mouse etc. Lot of rich
foreigners like Bob Geldof, George Clooney, Harrison Ford and I have bought
property there.
Their
method is simple: Nakheel just dump sand, which they have plenty of, in the
sea!
But
the Maldivians do not have enough sand for that, I hear you say; and the Indian
Ocean is quite deep at that point. Objections! Objections! On your part!
Typical!
This
is where the floating islands idea comes in!
Ha!
Ha! Ha! Ha! You laugh! Where are you going to get reeds from? From Peru and
Bolivia?
Just
listen to me for a minute! I propose to build entire islands out of empty
plastic bottles!
So
there!
One
of the serious problems facing Sri Lanka, and no doubt the Maldives, is the
amount of discarded plastic bottles. This causes “The Ruination of the
Environment” thing. However, I propose to encourage people to drink more
bottled water but collect the plastic bottles.
I am
in talks with the Hang Choi Wang Plastic Bottle Company of Shanghai to increase
their production. I just bought some of their shares. Everything in future,
including beer and Arrack, will be marketed in plastic bottles. I myself will personally
ensure that the bottles are collected from outside taverns and liquor shops.
Like
with bottled water, the consumption of beer and arrack need to increase so that
we can collect more bottles. Boy Scouts and the Army, Navy etc. could do their
bit, of collecting, but not that of drinking, except water of course.
To
this lode,,er…I mean load of empty plastic bottles we add all the discarded
polystyrene containers from McDonalds.
Again,
people can help us by eating more McDonalds. This advice on my part has absolutely
nothing to do with the shares that I hold with Ronald McDonald.
Islas
Paraiso Plastico del Mar (Beruwala) plc.
You
need a good name for any successful business!
The
actual floating plastic bottle islands will be constructed at Beruwala in my
own boat yard..er, Ship yard: Islas Paraiso Plastico del Mar (Beruwala) plc.,
Old Customs Road, Bandarawatta, Beruwala. Everything will be done under the
glare of publicity.
They
will then be towed out to the Maldives.
I also
propose to construct them in different shapes, a fish shape for instance or
even a McDonalds Big Mac shape, imitating but not copying Nakheel’s innovative
ideas.
As a result of my brilliant thinking I will
not only be saving Maldivians from the sea but will also be providing
employment for my poor seafaring-folk at Beruwala, Maggona, Paiyagala and even at
Kalamulla. In the process I will also be “saving the environment”, a popular
publicity-orientated past-time these days.
Once
the islands are anchored in place, I will invite the so-called Glitterati of
the pseudo-environmentally-concerned type to buy plots on my islands. We will
then proceed to build marinas, Jacuzzis, luxury beach shacks with satellite TVs,
drink coolers etc.
I
have Bank Accounts in Bermuda, Lesotho and in Jersey.
Small
Island, Go back to where you come from..
What
about the poor islanders, I hear you ask?
Well,
they can sink, swim or sail off in to the sunset in a reed boat made of
Peruvian Totora reeds or of plastic bottles. So there!
As
for me, I will be happy just to collect my Nobel Prize: The Nobel Prize for services
to the Plastic Bottle Industry.
Copyright: Gyan C A Fernando 2012, First published in The Sunday Times of Sri Lanka on the 19th of August 2012
The
Serious Bits
The
Uros
are the descendants of a pre-Incan people who live on forty-two self-made
floating islands on Lake Titicaca near Puno, Peru and also on the Bolivian side of the lake. The
whole business is now a touristy gimmick.
The Uros use bundles of dried totora reeds to make reed boats,
and to build up the islands as well. The white part of the reed is also used to
help ease alcohol-related hangovers!
Nakheel
of Dubai are responsible for Palm Jumeirah, Palm Jebel Ali, Palm
Deira, The World Islands and The Universe Islands. All are man-made.
No comments:
Post a Comment